Between Me And Me

I haven't shared my posts in a while. I used write and post the link to Facebook. In the past year, even though I haven't written much, I haven't been inspired to share. So then the question would be, why do I write here? Why don't I just keep it all in my journal? Honestly, I don't have an answer, I write in my journal all the time, however, there are some things I want to share and yet not share......

Ah well.......

I presented some very specific requests to Spirit on my birthday about a month ago. I asked for change. I asked for courage and some fairy dust to be all of me. The fullness and richness of all of me. There has been a lot of turbulence and lots of little miracles.....the little ones are the best right? I just feel like documenting some of it here. It would be nice to come back and read one day and say wow!

For instance, I posted something on my 42nd birthday, here and it was so sad to come back on the 43rd and realize that nothing has changed. So you get my drift now.

Today, I just want to write about the experiences of the past week and yesterday to be specific. I have been on a quest to deepen my spirituality, find a way to listen to myself, find the answers within, the answers that I am desperately seeking for my life, my marriage, my career.

Michael Beckwith authored a book, LifeVisioning. One of my coaches recommended it to me last year and to be honest, even though I enjoy intensity, I really couldn't do all the work in the book. It wasn't time. I came across a guided meditation/visioning exercise which felt similar and in my eagerness to listen to my soul, find what it is that I'm looking for within, it's been very powerful and insightful. I've done it a couple of times. All with different and very interesting and inspiring realizations.

I did it again yesterday and it was so profound. I think this is what has led me to write today. I want to see what is going to happen with this and I want to come here and say 'wow'.....I know I'm repeating myself.

I entered my vision through the tallest golden gates you could ever imagine! So tall, it felt as though they were reaching the heavens! I didn't have to push, or knock or anything. All I did was gently touch the gates and they opened wide! In my past visions, I have seen a grand garden full of roses, another time, I saw a majestic wedding. This time I saw nothing. I looked to my left as I was asked to do in the vision and I felt the mighty wave come to me and land at my feet, feeling the strength of the vision even though I could see nothing. I was asked to look at my feet. The first time I did it, I was barefoot in the grass, the second time, I was wearing ballet flats, real ballet flats for a dancer. In this one, I was wearing the most delicate and ornate high heeled gold sandals. I was asked to walk over to the right to find a seating area. In other visions, I had seen a chaise and a throne. This time, it was a beautiful bed, with lots of pillows! Just the way I like it! I went to lie in the bed and I was asked to look across and for the first time in this vision, I saw something. I saw my own home. I was asked to look under my bed for a box. The box was to contain the core of my vision. In another vision the box was so opulent! Jewel encrusted! And inside was a giant ruby in the shape of a heart! (I was so moved by this heart that I quickly got online to find one! And I did! Here) Sparkling brightly! But this one was simple and quite plain.

When I opened the box, I found a flower. I picked it up and placed it in my palm and it started out being the size of my palm and then it kept one blossoming and opening up until it was about 2 feet in diameter! I remember how I was struggling to carry it along with me as I left that area. I didn't know whether to place it on my back, or in front, it was gigantic!

I was asked to go back and meet someone who was to support me with my vision. The first time I did it, I didn't see anyone. I felt so alone. The second time, I saw my Spiritual Teacher from many years ago! It was crazy! I hadn't thought about him in so long! And next to him was my best friend! Both smiling! I remember how I felt when I went to hug them both! I felt so much love, as compared to the loneliness the first time. In this vision, I saw my husband. I saw him as he was about 8 years ago, not as he is today. It was strange. But so vivid! But unlike the experience with my Guru and my best friend, I couldn't go to him. I froze.

Here where it gets......hmmm......I don't have the word.

I could not go to my husband. I felt this STRONG desire for something before I could go to him. I felt the need for something, healing, beautifying, softening. The touch of another woman, the love of another woman, healing and love from another woman who felt what I was feeling. It wasn't just a massage or something, I NEEDED love from another woman. I thought of my mother and I felt I needed my mother but she wasn't enough. I needed an entire ritual of healing, softening and beautifying. It was so intense! So strong! I couldn't stop crying.

So I didn't go to my husband. I left. In the visioning, I was asked to look back one last time before I left and when I did.....!!!!!!! It was magnificent! And also heart wrenching! I saw a space, a grand space, the rose garden and wedding combined..... full of women, all looking at me with the same longing I was feeling in their eyes! It was the strongest thing I have EVER experienced in my psyche! I could not stop crying! I could lie and say I was crying for the women, no, I wasn't. I was crying for myself. And seeing them....I don't know how it made me feel. It felt inspiring and burdensome all at the same time!

And so I left my vision.

Usually, I'm in a hurry to write down the details but this time, it was so VIVID, so emotional! I knew I wasn't going to forget a thing!

I sent my friend, the one who gave me the program, a FB message telling her about it. Her response was like a smile. I called my best friend and told her. In describing the longing to her, I was reminded of my friend Gabi, I wrote about her here. I needed Gabi! OMG! It was so real! I needed what Gabi used to give me anytime I went to see her! But Gabi is all the way in Germany and I am here in California! How is that supposed to work! But I felt it! I knew it!

I don't know where all of this is leading, but I do know there is an awakening happening! I know it!

Here's the last thing to end my day!

My best friend Selasie (fomerly known as Moiselle) sent this to me. And I was born on the 15th so my number is 6. Here is what it said in a terrible translation of a different language, obviously.

Number 6
Ooopppss..you are born to enjoy.. You don’t care about others. I mean you are always want to enjoy your life time, you are a person.. You will be very good in either education or work wise or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), very beautiful girls and guys, popular and more than lucky with anything in your lives. All the goodness does come with you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love.
You are lovable by any other numbers. But if you are a number 6 man, you will experience kind of looks from most girls and will involve in more than few relationships until you get married. If you are girl, most of you will get marry/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family & friends .
If you miss the half-way mark then you are about to suffer physically and mentally. Generally you will lead a very good inner-home happiness with nothing short of. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world wounds to make peace for every life coz you have the great power of caring talent to make this world of love one step further…
Your best match 1, 6, 9. Good match 4, 5 !!!

I know God is speaking to me. I know it! I don't know what to do with all of this, but I know I am on the right path! I know it, I FEEL it!

And again, I'm writing here, because I don't want it to be hidden in my journal! I want to come back, read this and say WOW!