Monday, January 23, 2012

Happy New Year!

It's January 23rd and to be very honest, I'm NOW feeling like I'm in the New Year!

And so, Happy New Year!

There's this poem that I've always tried to begin my year with, I've posted it on Facebook a couple of times, but this year, I'll share it here.

Now is the dawn of a New Year
A New Year stands before me
Like a mighty beautiful oak

Now is a new opportunity
To do what I've always wanted to do
To become what I've always dreamed of becoming

Now is a new life
A life filled with love and pride

Now is the time to choose my way
As a being who has traveled far
To find a port, to weigh anchor

Now is the beginning of a wonderful adventure
Now I am ready to embrace the year ahead!

Author unknown

This year more than ever, this poem expresses how I really feel! This is my first New Year as a mother and even though I'm exhausted and it's part of the reason why I'm now feeling the 'newness' of the year, it's also much more than that. This year, it's not just about me and my dreams and aspirations. I have a precious new permanent member of my life, and the combination of thoughts, feelings and emotions has been much more than I can usually handle at the beginning of another year. The beginning of another chance to get it 'right', whatever right is.....?

After fighting all the emotions, thoughts and 'permanent change of plans', I have found peace in one word; Surrender.

And it is surrender which has given me the strength to come back to my blog and try again. Surrender which is allowing me to alter my so called plans and re create the life that I had imagined. Surrender which makes me believe that I never had any power anyway, even though I thought I did, and I might as well surrender to that which is bigger than me.

All over the internet and especially in my 'Fly Tribe' we've all been selecting a word for the year. I've never been known to be one to focus on one thing and I'm not even going to try now......

My first word is "Surrender", and I've explained my reason for this choice above. I'm too tired, too overwhelmed, too emotional, too scared to feel like I can do it 'alone' and so, I have raised my hands to the Universe in total surrender and I know she'll take it from there.

But that's not all. 

Last year, my dear friend Cindy gave me this piece of precious art, she gave me her word, 'Emerge', and I made it my word......exciting times!

But the truth is, I still haven't emerged.......

I haven't become manifest, I haven't become known 

I haven't  risen from an enveloping fluid,  I haven't come out into view 

I haven't risen from an obscure or inferior position or condition 

And I haven't come into being through evolution's an ongoing process......

And so, from a place of ultimate humility and surrender, I continue to find myself, I continue to find my strength and my voice and I continue to find my way out of the darkness to emerge.

Now, In the spirit of 'Emerging', I have yet another layer to add to my 'words' for 2012.

Last year, on a mundane, routine grocery shopping trip, I decided to buy an Amaryllis. In shame, I confess, it's the first flower I've planted upon coming to California, of course I get cut flowers all the time, but this is the first one I was making a 'commitment' to. And so I planted her and put her next to the kitchen my little garden of dying plants....with the hope that she would bring us all life!

She did! I watered her when I could, I think I even over watered her, thank goodness she's a Lily, and lilies love water. Finally, I was rewarded! She actually rewarded me around the New Year. But here's the juicy part....she EMERGED! She emerged from the darkness into the light because of the little watering on my part and of course thanks to a force, a power greater than I could ever be!

It's interesting how having a child has made me observe the world in new eyes....I don't know if it's the extreme exhaustion or am I truly becoming more intelligent or more aware of the mystery of life......?

Anyway, in my state of utter joy, I decided to look up the symbolism of the Amaryllis, and what I found was so cool!

"The word "amaryllis" comes from the Greek word "amaryssein," which means "to sparkle," referring to the bloom. Today, the amaryllis symbolizes pride, determination and radiant beauty--the kind that emanates from an inner source and flowers outward."

So you see, as usual, after my long winded road, it's all coming together!

As I SURRENDER, and as I continue with PRIDE and DETERMINATION to forge on, nurturing my inner flower, watering her and caring for her the best way I know how, in due season, I will EMERGE from the soil, the darkness and uncertainty that is my life into the light as a radiant RADIANT, BEAUTIFUL flower, SPARKLING like the stars for the whole world to see!

So, I won't give up. I'll keep on dreaming, keep on trying, when I fall, I'll surrender, get up and try again.....and who knows? Among other things, maybe I'll be able to blog consistently this year..........