Finding My Way

This is another one of those posts that I would like to come back and read a couple of weeks from now and say "yes! I was on to something!"

I celebrated my 20th year as an entrepreneur this week.

And I was miserable.

This is not where I thought I would be.

There are many things I am grateful for in my life, no doubt.

My son.
Grace.
Safety.
Creativity....Boundless! Endless!
Friends.
A roof over my head.
And the gift of every new day to live my dreams.

And there are many things in my life which make me sad. Angry. Disillusioned. Disappointed.

We'll come back to that list in a bit.

Monday, June 1st, my anniversary was gut wrenching, and I will spare the details.

In the middle of my pain, I received a gift.

The gift of Panache Desai's Illumination 2012 webcast.

He talked about a lot of things, and what I got was Vibrational Density.

I will keep this as simple as possible.

I came to understand how all the things I had been swallowing were possibly in the way of whatever success I have been seeking.

Because, I have been FRUSTRATED!!!!!!

I create.
Ideas.
Possibilities.
More ideas.
Everyday.

Nothing.

I paint.
I make flowers.
I drape, photograph, share.

Nothing.

I have bought programs, taken courses, business classes, masterminds, certifications.

Nothing.

I invested in a new studio. I invite women.

Nothing.

I receive compliments about my work all the time. Online. In Person.

But nothing.

No traction in my business.

No money in my pocket.

Panache made me understand how I may be the one in my way. And in all honesty, this would have pissed me off to high heavens a couple of weeks ago, but now, I am listening.

He made me understand the swallowing.....for lack of a better word.

Sadness. I swallow.
Tears. I swallow.
Heartbreak. I swallow.
Rejection. I swallow.
Disappointment. I swallow.

And worse than swallowing, I justify and berate myself.

Oh Leonarda, you should be grateful! It could be much worse!

I make my desires, my heart, my soul wrong and everything else right.

So, my heart is blocked. And the best part! I can feel it. I am numb. I cannot feel anymore.

Panache is making me understand that the way to success for someone like me who is being called to do deep work is dissolving, integrating, letting go.

I want to let go.

I want to feel.

I want success.

So, the iceberg has to melt. The shells around my heart must be broken.

A couple of dear friends have made me understand how I am being inauthentic. They make me even sadder.

Just do it!
Be yourself!
 Stop kissing a.... so much!
 Be the woman we know you to be!

Can't they see how hard I'm trying?

Anyway, I know they have always had the best of intentions.

I pray to God everyday! Every hour, every minute. "Just tell me what to do!"....and I hear nothing.

I have come to understand that it is not in the doing....heaven knows how much I "do".

I have come to understand that I must melt the iceberg, the false protection around my heart.

How do I do that?

I am to feel what I feel. No more swallowing. I weigh 220 pounds right now, so I GET the swallowing. I have been swallowing a lot of food....feelings.  I understand the density. The blockage. I get it. I get it. I get it.

In the past couple of days, I have been feeling the feelings.

The sadness.
The heartbreak...over and over and over again. Like waves.
The disappointment. I have stopped telling myself to suck it up.

The desire.

For Beauty.
For Success.
For love.
To be hugged.
To be held.
To be adored.
To be ravished.

I am feeling it all.

Some tears have been flowing. The iceberg is huge and so I know we are at the tip, but I want it to flow.

I don't swallow.

I am watching movies.

Reading poetry.

Allowing the words and the stories to move me.

A slight tingling of feeling.

I ache for more.

And I have been told....I BELIEVE that therein lie all my desires.

To be in the flow of life.

I am reminded or Rumi's words.

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

I think I understand now. I PRAY that this is it, because I am tired. Exhausated.

I just want to live.
And love.
And serve.
And enjoy.
I really want to enjoy life.

No pretending.

I just want to live the life I dream of.

I hope this is the way.

Wish me luck.