A Thanksgiving Love Letter to Me

The very fact that I have come here to write today and that I intend to share (something I haven't done from here in a long time) scares me. I feel my 'crazy' coming on. But I am also in the mood to be brave. Not just for myself. I can feel it.

Thanksgiving.

So much to be grateful for!

Let me begin with Beauty.

Everyday I choose BEAUTY.
I follow mostly 'beautiful' pages on face and I share.
There is beauty all around me. Truly. My home and my studio are well designed. It didn't happen in a day and will continue to be a work in progress, but everywhere I turn I see beauty. And I'm grateful!

Beauty is not perfection.

I was having a conversation with my dear friend. Someone we both follow on Instagram had just had a baby and had posted a beautiful photo of herself and her baby. It was so beautiful. I was happy for her but I also felt a twinge of jealousy. Jealousy because when I had my son, in the middle of overwhelm, confusion and pain, I did not have the presence of mind to pose for a beautiful picture. So, I confessed to my friend and she said, "but don't think her life is perfect"....and I said..."that's my point! Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful."

So....in my beautiful life, I arrange furniture every day and my fireball energy of a son destroys my arrangements daily! In fact more than 10 times a day. Pillows pulled to the floor, bumping into my chairs when he's running, jumping on the bed I just made. In fact, that when he decides to jump!

I still choose beauty. There are days when I will scream! And there are days that I go through the repetitive motions of fixing the mess....mindlessly. I need Beauty. I choose Beauty.

I am the biggest I have ever been in my life! My tiny waistline and flat abs (regardless of my weight....in fact, the bigger my hips and bust are in proportion to my tiny waist and flat tummy the better! After all, I am an African Woman!) are a thing of the past. I can post pictures on facbook from the waist....4 inches above the waist....and you won't know what I'm hiding! You don't know what lies below!

I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel helpless.

But I still choose Beauty.

I wear long flowy dresses almost every day! One design ladies. One design in about 20 different variations! And yes, I designed them very strategically for myself. Tight at the bust so that I don't have to wear a bra but I still get a full lift. Shaped at the high waist and then a gigantic flare/Aline (depending on the fabric) from then on hiding everything I don't want to be reminded of. The perfect and shapely tent. Add jewelry and makeup and I'm a Queen! Add a turban....oh, don't even go there.

It's my armor.
My shield.
My "go to". Has been for the past 4 years.....upon becoming a mother. Even my nightgowns have the same cut.

So, am I delusional when I post Couture on Facebook? Absolutely not! I need to keep my eyes happy and my hopes alive.

I choose Beauty.

Sometimes I dare to do something different....and that something different is only in BLACK! Oh yes! Black! Chic. Monochromatic. No breaks in the body. Black top, black pants. And the I bring out the pearls. It's what I'm actually wearing right now. But beware I catch a side glimpse of myself in the mirror!!!! Back to my designer tent I go!

I choose Beauty.

I was having another conversation with another friend about makeup. She's a designer too. She said she preferred to apply powder to her T-Zone. I said absolutely. I agree. She was expecting a different response, maybe. Because I am a Glamour Girl...(yes I am! Tents and all!). I went on to tell her about my own makeup routine. I don't spend more than 2 minutes on makeup. I can't handle anything longer. I wasn't sure if she believed me.

After my bath. I moisturize (15 seconds). I apply powder with a puff. (30 seconds). If I'm going out and need to feel more glammed up, I'll add foundation. But that's not often. Then I do my eyebrows with a pencil. (maybe 30 seconds or less). I use the same pencil to line my eyes. Then I put on lipstick. Done. I LOVE the idea of spending two hours in the makeup chair! It's the stuff of my dreams! But I wouldn't be able to handle it!

I choose Beauty. My way.

When Will You Love Me?

You open me up wide,
In the name of love and friendship
And yet you let them use me.
Use me up dry.

You do not take a stand for me.
You give all of me there is to give
And when they toss pennies at you
You know you should be angry

But you smile
You let them feel it's ok
You do not stand for me
You allow them to devalue me

They give you gifts
Lowly favors
Pittances
You know that thing that you do

When oh when will you love me?

Because when you do....
You will flow like a river
You will be as transparent as your child's heart
There will be no darkness in yours

When you love me you will stand for me
With pride
Your head held high
Queenly

They will come from far and wide
To witness my greatness
Offer me silver and gold
Yes, my weight in gold

But until you do
Pittances and Pain will be our Portion
Your dark and justified heart will continue to close

Love me.
Just Love me.

I am waiting.

Finding My Way

This is another one of those posts that I would like to come back and read a couple of weeks from now and say "yes! I was on to something!"

I celebrated my 20th year as an entrepreneur this week.

And I was miserable.

This is not where I thought I would be.

There are many things I am grateful for in my life, no doubt.

My son.
Grace.
Safety.
Creativity....Boundless! Endless!
Friends.
A roof over my head.
And the gift of every new day to live my dreams.

And there are many things in my life which make me sad. Angry. Disillusioned. Disappointed.

We'll come back to that list in a bit.

Monday, June 1st, my anniversary was gut wrenching, and I will spare the details.

In the middle of my pain, I received a gift.

The gift of Panache Desai's Illumination 2012 webcast.

He talked about a lot of things, and what I got was Vibrational Density.

I will keep this as simple as possible.

I came to understand how all the things I had been swallowing were possibly in the way of whatever success I have been seeking.

Because, I have been FRUSTRATED!!!!!!

I create.
Ideas.
Possibilities.
More ideas.
Everyday.

Nothing.

I paint.
I make flowers.
I drape, photograph, share.

Nothing.

I have bought programs, taken courses, business classes, masterminds, certifications.

Nothing.

I invested in a new studio. I invite women.

Nothing.

I receive compliments about my work all the time. Online. In Person.

But nothing.

No traction in my business.

No money in my pocket.

Panache made me understand how I may be the one in my way. And in all honesty, this would have pissed me off to high heavens a couple of weeks ago, but now, I am listening.

He made me understand the swallowing.....for lack of a better word.

Sadness. I swallow.
Tears. I swallow.
Heartbreak. I swallow.
Rejection. I swallow.
Disappointment. I swallow.

And worse than swallowing, I justify and berate myself.

Oh Leonarda, you should be grateful! It could be much worse!

I make my desires, my heart, my soul wrong and everything else right.

So, my heart is blocked. And the best part! I can feel it. I am numb. I cannot feel anymore.

Panache is making me understand that the way to success for someone like me who is being called to do deep work is dissolving, integrating, letting go.

I want to let go.

I want to feel.

I want success.

So, the iceberg has to melt. The shells around my heart must be broken.

A couple of dear friends have made me understand how I am being inauthentic. They make me even sadder.

Just do it!
Be yourself!
 Stop kissing a.... so much!
 Be the woman we know you to be!

Can't they see how hard I'm trying?

Anyway, I know they have always had the best of intentions.

I pray to God everyday! Every hour, every minute. "Just tell me what to do!"....and I hear nothing.

I have come to understand that it is not in the doing....heaven knows how much I "do".

I have come to understand that I must melt the iceberg, the false protection around my heart.

How do I do that?

I am to feel what I feel. No more swallowing. I weigh 220 pounds right now, so I GET the swallowing. I have been swallowing a lot of food....feelings.  I understand the density. The blockage. I get it. I get it. I get it.

In the past couple of days, I have been feeling the feelings.

The sadness.
The heartbreak...over and over and over again. Like waves.
The disappointment. I have stopped telling myself to suck it up.

The desire.

For Beauty.
For Success.
For love.
To be hugged.
To be held.
To be adored.
To be ravished.

I am feeling it all.

Some tears have been flowing. The iceberg is huge and so I know we are at the tip, but I want it to flow.

I don't swallow.

I am watching movies.

Reading poetry.

Allowing the words and the stories to move me.

A slight tingling of feeling.

I ache for more.

And I have been told....I BELIEVE that therein lie all my desires.

To be in the flow of life.

I am reminded or Rumi's words.

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

I think I understand now. I PRAY that this is it, because I am tired. Exhausated.

I just want to live.
And love.
And serve.
And enjoy.
I really want to enjoy life.

No pretending.

I just want to live the life I dream of.

I hope this is the way.

Wish me luck.